The LORD trieth the hearts

Proverbs hold so much wisdom, it is worth reading it over and over again for the awesome reminders it gives us for our daily lives, wouldn't you think?

Proverbs 17:
3The fining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold: but the LORD trieth the hearts.

"... the LORD trieth the hearts."
He knows what's in our hearts, even when we don't know what is it our hearts. He's so faithful to us, so patient when we are seeking him. I've been in the process of letting go things that have been dear to me for a long time. It's been a real process of sorting through my emotions. Sometimes, when when something is not a sin, the Lord may still call us away from it for our own good. He knows our very natures, and he knows how things will affect us, even when we may not realize how something will effect us. We can go on doing what we "think is ok", without taking serious stock into what the Lord would have. I believe sometimes he allows us to wander around the thing he wants us to let go, just so we can see for ourselves what he is trying to tell us.

It's like a parent, they tell their child the plate is hot, knowing, sure as the world, that child is going to touch it anyway. It's not going to cause third degree burns if they child touches it, though no parent wants their child to feel pain. But I have grown to like those moments with my children, when Hannah touches the plate anyway, despite what I've told her. "Ouch!", she says. Then I get that moment ... "Well? I told you so!".

I wonder how many times God giggles at us "Well, I tried to tell you..." "If you would just listen to me...", but it's in those "ouch!" moments, that we learn to trust him more. We need to retrain our thoughts, and stop kidding ourselves when we say the plate is not as hot as it really is. Do we really want to feel that pain? Sometimes, pain might be needed to drive the point home. I can ground Jackson for a month from his favorite home activities- playstation, computer .... but he can endure. What hurts, is when he gets a spanking. Just enough pain to show him the pain it brings to his mother's heart when he acts in an ungodly manner, or makes an ungodly decision. The same kind of grief it brings God, when we, as His children, do the same thing.

I think of an article I read once about a girl hiding from her mother. We cannot hide from God. We cannot hide from God, what is in our hearts. He tries our hearts, he knows what is there. During times of stress or turmoil in our lives, what is in our hearts, truly, in our hearts, will come out. We can stuff our emotions, and act like things are okay, but he knows deep down, they are not, even if we have lied to ourselves for so long we really think it is. It is when we go through the fire, that the truth comes out.

When we lost the baby (our great nephew that I babysat 50+ hrs a week), when we got the news that morning, my supernatural strength went into overdrive. I cried for five minutes when Jay told me what happened, then I jumped up, got ready as fast as I could, and we were on our way to my sister's where my neice was staying, where it happened. I had nearly a dozen calls, people from our church it felt like (which, I appreciated and needed every one of them), and spoke with a sister in Christ about the situation so she could pass on to our online group what to pray for. It felt like eternity before we headed back to my house, everyone, because our house is big enough to accomodate large groups. That whole week people were in and out, I was receiving food, being "hostess". It was only when we went to the funeral home the afternoon of the wake, when the baby was "ready", for my neice to see him. We walked up to the casket, and I looked in, and the others started to cry. My Pastor and his wife were there.

He was at the casket with us, and I looked up and he asked if I was ok, and I nodded yes. Then I looked back down at the baby, and I was SO upset- that did NOT look like him at all, I thought! That was my last chance to see those little itty bitty cheeks, his slender face (when he was laying down, his cheeks looked so slim), his tiny little self! He was BIG! His face was twice the size it should have been. His face was covered in makeup! That was NOT the shape of his lips at all!! I turned around, walked across the room towards my pastor's wife (which beforehand had been becoming a good friend as we had been getting to know each other as of late), and I just fell on her. Alllll of these emotions come rushing through me. We went outside, and bawled, we talked, then Pastor come out. I'll never forget what he said- "I thought you were doing TOO good". I guess I was.

I was so busy stuffing my own emotions aside to try to protect my neice from potential dramas, and to make things as smoothly as possible for everyone, I had not really cried in four days, since I learned the news that Monday morning. The Lord knew those emotions were there. He knew what it was going to take, to make the situation "real", for me. When the fire comes, for me it was seeing the baby in the casket, the true emotions come out. What about other situations in my life? I know I tend to smile and act like I'm at peace with the way certain things are in our home and marriage, because I don't want to seem like a nag; but when my emotions catch up with me, it's an overwhelming whirlwind through my mind. The Lord knows this. He knows it all. Why do we try to fool ourselves?

I would like to think, that when we go through the fire, that what people see, is what has always been there, nothing new. I believe that is what God wants for us. The challenge, is getting to that point.